


stitching up the circuit boards

by crispycrownkoala



Series: the blessings of tighe [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-24 11:26:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17703446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crispycrownkoala/pseuds/crispycrownkoala
Summary: “Why can’t I have my normal lifeandyou?”“Because I liked you before your mind was wiped, and you didn’t.”Lena and Alex get together. It’s as complicated as anyone would expect.





	stitching up the circuit boards

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first story; I finally decided to stop worrying about whether it's good enough to post and just do it. I sincerely hope you enjoy it. English is, probably quite obviously, not my first language. I'm thankful for any feedback you might want to give me!

Alex never really thinks about how young Lena is.

In the past, she has spent significant amount of time thinking about all the ways Lena can probably not be trusted, and will inevitably crush her sister’s heart. She has thought about Lena as just another Luthor, just another problem, just another one of her sister’s hopeful endeavours that will drive her into an early grave (if not because of actual physical harm, then because worrying about Kara and her friends is fucking _stressful _).__

__Over time, Alex stopped looking at Lena as a possible enemy and admitted to herself that, yes, _that _Luthor is different from the rest of her family. Still. Alex has never met Lex Luthor, but despises him out of principle. She _has _met Lillian Luthor, and would love nothing more than to wipe that smug look from her face. None of that is particularly conducive to a friendship with the youngest Luthor, no matter how much Lena proves herself, and Alex may not be proud of it, but the fact that Kara manages to look past all that and declare Lena her _bestie _does not help in the least._______ _

___On the contrary, it makes her a lot more cautious and sceptical. Kara’s trust in everyone inspires people to be better, to live up to their potential, to believe in themselves and the good they can do, but it also means that Alex has to stay on her guard. Alex has to make sure that trust isn’t abused. Alex cannot enter _any _relationship lightly, because she has to protect herself and her sister. (It may seem a bit over-dramatic, because she’s the government agent and her sister is a journalist, but somehow it always feels like Kara is in more danger than her.)___ _ _

___So, no. Friendship with Lena Luthor, who is just a guarded as Alex, and just as likely to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, and just as unlikely to open up to a near-stranger just to have one more person in her life far enough behind her walls to actually be able to hurt her, does not come easily. Friendship with Lena Luthor doesn’t come at all, at first._ _ _

___Alex admires Lena for her scientific mind, for her drive and focus. She likes Lena’s humour, and the fact that she hardly ever cracks a joke, but when she does, Alex finds herself still cackling about it two days later. Lena is ambitious, graceful, intelligent, generous, and a lot more insecure than her scathing remarks and the way she dresses down white men twice her age would ever lead anyone to assume. She leads two companies and Alex has seen enough to know that as a boss she’s strict but fair, and surprisingly personal. Alex warms up to Sam and Ruby a lot more and a lot faster than to Lena, but considering the relationship those three have, it’s clear that there has to be more to Lena than Alex has been able to glimpse so far. But even after all of that, that’s all there is. She can like Lena as a person and still have no kind of relationship with her._ _ _

___Alex still hates Lex and Lillian. And she’s not friends with Lena, until she suddenly is._ _ _

___To be fair, it’s not the friendship that’s sudden, just Alex’s realization of it. It probably says a lot about Alex as a person that a win at game night is what it takes, but here’s how it happens:_ _ _

___Kara is still moping about the fact that Alex forgot her favourite movie at the last game night (and something about this feels _off _to Alex, but hell if she can figure out what it is) and James and Lena have the kind of sustained reaction to the _greatest human invention _fiasco that speaks of a whole other level of problems in their relationship, and somehow that means Brainy’s wish is granted and pairing are switched up. Lena is not allowed to play with Brainy because (Kara says) the two people with the highest IQs in the room should not team up, and she’s not allowed to play with Kara because (Kara says) they’re besties and that would just give them the same kind of unfair advantage everyone says the sisters have, so the obvious solution (Kara says) is that Lena plays with Alex and James plays with Kara. Alex briefly entertains the thought of asking Kara to explain why Lena can’t play with Nia or J’onn, but then decides teasing her sister is not worth possibly offending Lena. It’s not like she’s against teaming up with her, after all._____ _ _

___It’s that thought that gives her pause._ _ _

___It’s not like she never cared about Lena’s feelings before, it’s just that she never really cared about Lena’s feelings before. Ok. Not the way she would explain it to someone out loud, but it makes sense in her head. This might be a better way of saying it: she was never indifferent to how Lena might be feeling, but she never made it a personal matter before. But everything’s been different lately. _She _is different. She doesn’t know how or why, but she can see it in Kara’s and J’onn’s reaction to things she says. Sometimes even Brainy, although his facial expression falls into the “pensive” category so often that she finds it difficult distinguishing the times it actually concerns her. She feels like she has lost a part of herself that connected her to Kara, and to J’onn, and sometimes it feels like they know exactly what it is but won’t tell her.___ _ _

___Now here’s Lena, looking at her with a half smirk, waiting for her reaction. James is watching them both amusedly. Everyone knows how competitive Alex is, and they probably don’t expect her to take Kara’s treachery lying down, but whatever reasons Kara has for wanting her to team up with Lena – and there’s no part of Alex that believes for a second that Kara has started this discussion because she so desperately wants to play with James – Alex is intrigued enough to play along._ _ _

___“I like to win”, she says to Lena._ _ _

___She hears several snorts and then Lena gives her that eyebrow raise Alex still hasn’t figured out, and says, “Well, then let’s win.”_ _ _

___James and Alex switch places and even though Alex is much smaller than him, she sits just as close to Lena on the couch as he did. She even puts her arm up on the couch behind Lena’s shoulders and leans in to whisper about game strategy and Lena honest-to-goodness giggles at some of her more outrageous suggestions._ _ _

___And so it begins._ _ _

___Suddenly, Lena is not just easy on the eyes, Lena is actually really fucking beautiful._ _ _

___Suddenly, Lena is not just intelligent, not just a genius, Lena is also _rocking game night _. (When she’s not paired up with James, that is.) Because somehow, they’re good together. They’re a great team and they have a lot of fun and if James is a little bit confused at how Kara’s sister has more chemistry – at game night – with his girlfriend than he does, he doesn’t mention it.___ _ _

___Suddenly, Alex remembers all the stuff Kara tells her at sister night about Lena and James and Alex finds herself thinking that they are catastrophically mismatched, and that Lena deserves better. She feels guilty for that one – not about them being mismatched, because they are, but about Lena deserving better; because that implies that James is not good enough, and despite the fact that Alex has a seriously hard time understanding why so many people are fawning over him, he is a good guy, and he will definitely make someone very happy. Not Lena, though. Of that, Alex is sure._ _ _

___Anyway._ _ _

___Suddenly, the conversation turns to the humans and aliens debate again, and Lena is a lot more vocal about her opinion than she previously dared to be, and what would have had Alex on high alert before is now another valid opinion Alex has to weigh against the DEO secrets that she keeps._ _ _

___Suddenly, Lena is not only all those positive things Alex has known about her for a while now (and a few negative things that have not been disproven over time – but somehow Alex is pretty sure that she could say a lot more negative things about herself than about Lena Luthor) but she’s also really great company, and Alex wants to protect her from the people who still see nothing more than a Luthor in her, and it’s then, right in the moment that Kara throws a pillow in both of their faces for winning another round, that Alex realizes it with a jolt: that despite all her cautiousness, despite the odds being stacked against them, Lena is her friend._ _ _

___And for a few weeks after that, it stays that way._ _ _

___Alex thinks about Lena more than she did before, in the same way that she allowed her thoughts to wander to Winn and how he was doing when she finally admitted to herself that she considered him family. It’s one of the fundamental things that she knows about herself; how she has this wall around her heart that’s even more effective than lying to herself could ever be, because it prevents her from even entertaining the notion that she cares about someone. When that wall is down, that feeling of _caring _rushes at her like a flood, engulfs her, makes her question how she missed this before. She started recognizing that pattern when she came out – when Maggie took that wall away and she almost drowned in the flood of feelings it had kept away – and she’s self-aware enough to know that it’s true for a lot of relationships in her life.___ _ _

___She spends more time with Lena – not as much as Kara does, but still a lot, especially compared to before – and she doesn’t miss the look of pleased surprise on Lena’s face the first time she offhandedly refers to Lena as her friend out loud. They continue to absolutely kill it at game night and hold onto each other in fake desperation when Kara demands the teams go back to their original pairings._ _ _

___One night, they’re drinking Scotch on Lena’s couch in her office and Alex dares to ask about James. It’s an absolutely intentional move on her side that she times her visits to Lena in way that will prevent James from joining them. She knows that Lena and Kara mostly spend time alone together as well, so maybe her avoidance is completely unnecessary and James would not be part of their get-togethers anyway, but with how much Lena works and how often she’s either around Kara or Alex – or sometimes both of them – or at game night, where she’s still paired with Alex, it begs the question when exactly the two find time for their relationship. It’s not that she doesn’t like James. She has always liked him, even if it was just in an abstract way, where she uses the process of elimination and can’t really find a reason why she wouldn’t like him. It’s just that she likes her newfound friendship with Lena more than she likes James, and she doesn’t want to share it. Even Kara is ecstatic that her sister and her best friend get along so well, even if she sometimes looks at both of them with a sad frown that Alex doesn’t understand and that Kara is surprisingly and uncharacteristically quiet about._ _ _

___That night, however, she brings up the James topic._ _ _

___Because Lena is important to her, and no matter what Alex might think about it, it really looks like her relationship is just adding stress to her life instead of being a safe haven._ _ _

___And Lena is really straight-forward about it, talking about how different they are and how she initially thought they would complement each other but now it just feels like they’re never going to fit, instead cutting themselves up on each other’s edges. They go out, a lot – not in the sense that they see each other a lot nowadays, but in the sense that whatever time they do spend with each other is usually spent on a date – and it’s disappointing that, try as they might, there’s never really any kind of domesticity in their relationship. There’s only fancy restaurants and awkward conversation. Lena is _tired _, that much is obvious, and Alex takes her hand to pull her into a one-armed side hug and makes a bad joke about how, if nothing else, that at least makes James a better date than her.___ _ _

___She’s referring to the fact that she never takes Lena out, anywhere. She’s not alluding to the idea that them dating could be an alternative to Lena and James dating. James takes Lena out, and Alex doesn’t. But also: Kara takes Lena out and Alex doesn’t. Alex doesn’t take Lena out, period, regardless of what kind of relationship they have._ _ _

___If Lena notices her inner turmoil, she’s kind enough not to draw attention to it. “I like that you’re here with me”, she admits. “It’s casual. It’s…comfortable.”_ _ _

___Alex feels pretty damn honoured at that. “I like being here with you, too. But, I mean, if you do want to go out sometime…”_ _ _

___“On a date?”, Lena teases._ _ _

___Alex rolls her eyes. “I know I’m not always the most eloquent around pretty women, but I _have surpassed the awkward baby gay phase enough to make it clear that I wasn’t comparing your romantic relationship with James to our friendship. At least not in the sense that they have to meet the same requirements. Or, you know, offering myself up as an alternative. All I’m saying is, I don’t want to make his mistake. I mean, he’s on one end of the spectrum with taking you out too often, but I’m on the other end of the spectrum with never taking you out at all. Maybe you’d like some balance?”__ _ _

___“I could point out that Kara is my balance in this equation”, Lena sasses, “but then there are so many other statements in your declaration that would be much more amusing to focus on.”_ _ _

___“Such as?”, Alex plays along._ _ _

___“Pretty women?”_ _ _

___“Well, it’s true. Both objectively and subjectively. I don’t think you need me to tell you that, but if you do, I’m happy to keep saying it.”_ _ _

___Lena looks intrigued at that, but moves on to the next point. “Awkward baby gay phase?”_ _ _

___“We only started spending any real time together when I was already with Maggie for a while, so you probably never had a chance to notice it, but I stumbled over my words a lot and I had that nervous giggle. Also I was pretty much blushing all the time.”_ _ _

___“I would have loved to see that!” There’s a grin lighting up Lena’s face at the mental image, and Alex knows she would gladly embarrass herself again just to see Lena like that. “And the last one – comparing our relationships.”_ _ _

___“Yeah, sorry, I didn’t-”_ _ _

___“It’s fine. I know you weren’t coming on to me. Even so, I figured out my sexuality a long time ago. It may have never happened, but maybe that was just for lack of opportunity. Or motivation? I was with Jack, and now I’m with James. I think there could have been more relationships, with men _and _women, if I’d taken initiative, but it was never a priority for me and it’s difficult for me to let people in, so…”___ _ _

___Alex knows all about not making intimacy a priority and how hard it can be to let people in. And although she’s pretty sure that Lena just came out to her – as bisexual, or whatever, not that it matters – that’s not what her mind focuses on. “A long time ago?”_ _ _

___“When I was sixteen. I guess I suspected it before that, but sixteen was when I knew for sure.”_ _ _

___“Sixteen”, Alex repeats._ _ _

___“Yes?” Lena’s smile is replaced by a frown, and she’s clearly trying to figure out why Alex is so thrown by her confession, while Alex tries to figure out exactly the same. Her initial reaction to Lena’s words was that it couldn’t have been that long ago, given how young Lena is. And then that kind of short-circuited her brain, because, holy shit, Lena is young._ _ _

___Lena is… ”How old are you now?”_ _ _

___“Twenty-six”, Lena supplies. “Ten years can be considered a long time, yes?”_ _ _

___Alex just nods, and then takes a generous sip of her Scotch, and when she realizes that a sip is not adequate for how fucking stupid she is, she drowns the rest of the glass in one go._ _ _

___How is it possible that she has never thought about how young Lena is? She’s younger than Alex. Younger than Kara. She’s the CEO of two fortune 500 companies and she’s a science genius and she has accomplished far more than most people twice her age and she’s the youngest of their group, save for Nia Nal, who Alex thinks of as a kid, relatively speaking. And Alex knows that there are only a few years between her and Lena, that it should not be as big of a deal as she is making it right now. She has never defined Lena or her accomplishments by her age, just like she wouldn’t do that to anyone else. Everyone moves at their own pace and that’s fine. Alex has measured herself against her parents and their expectations, against her sister and the way she seemed to breeze through obstacles, against all kinds of metaphorical, unbeatable opponents, but never against time. The only instance in which she found her failure in her age was when she came out. But she’s made peace with that. And now Lena has come out to her, more or less, at twenty-six, and she’s known herself for ten years, since she was sixteen, and Alex has no real opinion on how young or long that is. Time is relative, and who cares as long is Lena is happy? That’s not what this is about._ _ _

___This is about the fact that Alex, for the first time, thinks of Lena in terms of age. It’s as sudden of a realization as the one she had about their friendship, and she feels just as dumb. Of course she’s friends with Lena, why shouldn’t she be? Of course Lena is young, Alex, you _knew _that. And yes, Alex knew it, but she didn’t really know it. Ok. Not the way she would explain it to someone out loud, but it makes sense in her head. This might be a better way of saying it: she’s always known which age group everyone in their circle falls into, but she’s never been as consciously aware of how amazing Lena is – to be the person she is at twenty-six – as she is now. Maybe that’s not fair. Maybe it’s irrelevant. Maybe Alex would be just as impressed if Lena were thirty-six. But she’s not thirty-six, she’s twenty-six, and Alex honest-to-goodness just had an epiphany.___ _ _

___An epiphany that makes her jump off the couch and stare at Lena like a lunatic, apparently._ _ _

___“Alex”, Lena says. She doesn’t sound surprised or shocked at her friend’s strange reaction all. It’s just a soft prompt to tell her what’s wrong._ _ _

___“It’s just- you’re just…stupid.”_ _ _

___At that, Lena draws back, as far back as the couch allows. “I’m stupid?”_ _ _

___“No!”, Alex exclaims. “Sorry, no. Not what I meant. I meant that I’m stupid.”_ _ _

___“Ok.” Cleary, Lena agrees in this moment._ _ _

___Fuck it._ _ _

___“I never really thought about how young you are”, Alex explains, and once she has started talking, she finds that she doesn’t want to stop. “I’ve thought so many things about you since we met the first time. Actually, since Kara met you the first time. I was just so worried that you were just like your family, that Kara would get hurt. That you would hurt her. And over time, you proved to us who you really are but I still couldn’t let go of my reservations, because it’s my job to protect her, right? But now, despite it all, we’re friends, because you’re kind of awesome and I really like our friendship, and I trust you. And this is stupid but it’s the first time we’ve had a conversation where I’ve had to actually think about your age and it just hit me.”_ _ _

___“It hit you”, Lena repeats. Her tone doesn’t give anything away, but at least she’s not pressed into the back of the couch anymore._ _ _

___“How young you are. Or how amazing you are for being where you are at your age. Or how impressive it is that someone younger than me has a much better handle on many things in life than I do.”_ _ _

___“I’m young.”_ _ _

___Alex nods._ _ _

___“And pretty, and amazing, and impressive?”_ _ _

___Alex nods again._ _ _

___And all of the may sound like a compliment, but: “And this comes as a shock to you?”_ _ _

___“I don’t know what’s wrong with me”, Alex groans. “I’ve been feeling off my game for a while now. Like something’s messed up in my head. I feel less connected to Kara than I ever did, and more connected to you than I ever did, and I know those two things are not related, except that I just have this feeling that there’s something…wrong.”_ _ _

___“Wrong?”_ _ _

___It finally hits Alex that all Lena has been doing pretty much this entire conversation is repeating her words back to her, and she takes a good look at her friend. If she thought Lena looked tired before, she looks downright exhausted now, and all Alex wants to do now is reassure her._ _ _

___“I didn’t mean it like that.”_ _ _

___“You said you wanted to protect Kara from me.”_ _ _

___“I- yes. But-”_ _ _

___“Because you thought she would be dragged into my evil machinations?”_ _ _

___“No, that’s…what?”_ _ _

___“I appreciate your honesty. I can see that you’re confused. I just want to understand how you thought Kara would be hurt by being friends with me. I know that being associated with me, with my family, can be dangerous at times. I mean, there has been more than one assassination attempt. But not trusting my intentions entirely and actually thinking that I would seek to hurt Kara, those are two different things. And even if I was that kind of person, what would I even gain from hurting her?”_ _ _

___Alex has an answer to that. She knows she has one. The answer is there, on the tip of her tongue, but for some reason, there are no words coming._ _ _

___“I- I don’t…know?”_ _ _

___And Lena must be able to see – in the desperate frown on her face, in the shaking of her hands, in the way she is so very obviously looking for something to say – that there is no version of this conversation in which Alex will provide her with satisfying answers, so she just nods, once, and then she gets up and opens the door to her office._ _ _

___Then she walks over to her desk, sits down in her chair, and starts going through papers._ _ _

___It’s such an obvious and effective way to say _get the hell out _that Alex can’t help but do just that.___ _ _

___~~_ _ _

___Alex Danvers has been on her mind ever since they first met in Kara’s apartment. Lena doesn’t count the incident before, where she and Alex basically saved each other, because then she was just another nameless person. A heroic person, but not really relevant in the bigger picture of her life, either._ _ _

___It probably says something tragic about her life that Lena doesn’t count someone who saved her from being assassinated as important. But, anyway. Lena has always wondered about Alex. Not because she particularly liked or disliked her, but because she was, is, interesting. Alex Danvers is tough. She’s a badass, self-proclaimed but true nonetheless. Alex Danvers is straight-forward, dependable, strong, decisive, protective, intelligent, and unafraid. Lena has encountered many people in her life, and almost all of those possessing the same attributes as Alex Danvers were, in essence, what Lena would describe as _hard _.___ _ _

___Alex Danvers is not hard. She’s as soft as someone with her job could ever hope to be._ _ _

___As soon as she realises this – the endearing way Alex combines her competent and relentless no-nonsense attitude with earnest empathy and compassion – that’s when she starts liking Alex Danvers._ _ _

___They have their moments, few and far between. The more Lena helps out at the DEO, the more conversation time she gets with Alex. Still not a lot, by any estimation, but enough that Lena recognizes the blooming attraction and files it away._ _ _

___She like the take charge Agent – and later Director – Alex Danvers._ _ _

___She likes the goofy and overprotective sister Alex Danvers._ _ _

___She likes enamoured, dedicated fiancée Alex Danvers._ _ _

___She likes mother hen Alex Danvers._ _ _

___And oh, how she also likes scientist Alex Danvers._ _ _

___So far, she likes every version of Alex Danvers, but she knows, without a doubt, that she is never going to do anything about it. Liking Alex is easy, as long as she can keep it to herself. If she were to take action, things would get complicated, and Lena already has too many complicated things in her life. Those complicated things are, in no particular order:_ _ _

___Lex and Lillian._ _ _

___Two companies._ _ _

___Sam. Ruby. Reign._ _ _

___Kara, and Supergirl, though that may be one in the same, and that’s a whole other complication in itself._ _ _

___Later on, James, and her project._ _ _

___She can’t have Alex Danvers, because – if their current reign as game night champions and the regular drinks in her office are anything to go by – if she had her, she would want to keep her._ _ _

___And that’s just not in the cards._ _ _

___The night she wordlessly throws Alex out of her office, she sits down to work through some reports, but ends up thinking about what the hell she is supposed to do now. Alex said all kinds of nice things to her, but she also said that she felt wrong about it. Having calmed down somewhat, she understands that Alex probably didn’t mean it like that. After all, she also implied that she felt wrong about her relationship with Kara. She said she felt messed up. And Lena has noticed, in the last few weeks, that Alex would get headaches a lot, far more than is usual for her. Lena has also noticed that Kara is acting different. Unsure, somehow. But thinking about Kara and how she’s acting opens up a different can of worms, because Lena is very careful not to contemplate the many cues she has that point to Kara being Supergirl._ _ _

___Kara is her best friend, and she doesn’t want to lose that._ _ _

___But having so many secrets, and wondering about the secrets others might be protecting, is taking a toll on her, and now she’s not only running the risk of losing Kara, she’s also currently in the process of losing James and Alex._ _ _

___Sighing heavily, she pours herself some more Scotch and resolves to make some tough decisions._ _ _

___Considering that seventy-two (point seventy-two) percent of the items on her list of complicated things are _people _, she has no other choice but to have some conversations. To take some risks, and see where it takes her. No matter what she thinks she might deserve, what she can or can’t have, doing something about this has to be better than do remain inactive. Whatever the outcome, at least she tried.___ _ _

___She has to talk to James._ _ _

___And she has to talk to Alex._ _ _

___Only then will she talk to Kara._ _ _

___With a plan of action in mind, Lena goes home to get some sleep, feeling nervous but relieved at the same time._ _ _

___Two days later, Alex is back in her office, politely refusing the customary Scotch. Also refusing eye contact, which irks Lena a little. She’s not mad at Alex, just at the situation. Whatever is going on with her, it’s obviously nagging at Alex and making her feel vulnerable._ _ _

___And quiet._ _ _

___It’s up to Lena to start this conversation, then._ _ _

___“I broke up with James. I’m working on a drug that gives humans super powers and I’m currently at the human trials stage. I think your sister is Supergirl.”_ _ _

___For roughly nine seconds, Alex’s face goes through various emotions that Lena couldn’t all pin down even if she tried. Then she opens her mouth, and Lena waits for it, waits for the words, the anger, the accusations, and the questioning of her mental state of mind. But no sound comes, and Lena’s worry about Alex’s reaction to her confessions shifts to just worry about Alex. She looks like she’s in _pain _. Her hands go to her head, rubbing her temple, her face now only a grimace.___ _ _

___Lena takes a step forward. “Are you okay?”_ _ _

___“Fine”, Alex grits out. “Sorry, I- yeah. Just a headache. Let’s talk about this.”_ _ _

___She really does _not _look fine, but she’s obviously determined not to let that side-track them from the conversation they’re about to have, and Lena can appreciate that, even if she still worries.___ _ _

___“Which one of my statements would you like to talk about?”_ _ _

___“All of them”, Alex replies. “Let’s go through them in the order you listed them. Oh, and I think I’ll take that Scotch now.”_ _ _

___Lena nods, relieved to be on familiar ground with Alex, and goes to pour her a glass of the golden liquid. Alex takes it from her, with a small smile of thanks, and they automatically move over to the couch, so used to having their conversations on the piece of furniture that it’s not even a question anymore._ _ _

___“I pictured a different reaction”, Lena admits. “Less…calm.”_ _ _

___Alex actually laughs at that, although it’s easy to see that she’s just trying really hard not to freak out. “You threw me for a loop, that’s for sure. No softening the blow for you, hm?”_ _ _

___“No, it seems not.”_ _ _

___“Okay, so. James. When and why did you break up with him? How did he take it? Are you okay?”_ _ _

___“I broke up with him yesterday. You were in my office two days ago. I made some decisions, and resolved to talk to James the next day, to you today, and to Kara tomorrow.”_ _ _

___Alex grimaces again at the mention of Kara, but Lena can see that it’s not deliberate. Alex is not showing her emotions, she’s showing her pain._ _ _

___“And how did he take it?”_ _ _

___“He was a little surprised, and a lot disappointed. But not heartbroken. And he was nice about it.”_ _ _

___“Good, that’s good. Am I going to have to repeat all of my questions? _How are you _, Lena?”___ _ _

___“Well, about this, I’m fine.”_ _ _

___“And the rest…”_ _ _

___“Depends on your reaction to my other two confessions. So are we done with the James topic?”_ _ _

___“I don’t know, are we? You haven’t told me why you broke up with him, but I understand if you don’t want to talk about it.”_ _ _

___“Do I really have to point it out, though? You said yourself that it wasn’t a good relationship.”_ _ _

___“But you were content enough to keep it going before”, Alex argues. “What changed?”_ _ _

____You _, Lena wants to say, but she knows it’s not the time. Even just as a friend, Alex has changed a lot for her. Enough to take a chance. Enough to put herself out there. But not right now.___ _ _

___“Let’s move on.”_ _ _

___To her credit, Alex doesn’t push. “Alright. The drug you’re experimenting with. Can I get details?”_ _ _

___So Lena tells her everything, fidgeting with her hands and keeping her eyes firmly fixed on her lap, because _no _, she’s not ashamed of what she’s doing, but also _no _, she’s not very confident in her ability to lay out the complete truth while looking at Alex and watching her reaction, and when she’s done, she finds Alex curled up on the other end of the couch, her fingers pinching the bridge of her nose. “It’s not like I don’t get it”, Alex admits. “I’ve been listening to you at game nights. I can understand and partly agree with your arguments about putting us all on an equal playing field.”_____ _ _

___“But?”, Lena prompts._ _ _

___“I’m just not sure _more _power – for anyone – is the best solution for this problem.”___ _ _

___“Oh.”_ _ _

___“What?”_ _ _

___“I just thought you’d point out how morally…grey…this experiment is.”_ _ _

___“I mean, it is”, Alex agrees. “But I’ve done my fair share of morally grey things. I’m in no place to judge. We all have different ways to fight for justice. There’s a reason Supergirl wears a cape and I wear black. She stands for everything _good _. For hope, and righteousness and peaceful conflict-solving. But sometimes the only reason that can happen is because there’s someone there in the shadows paving the way.”___ _ _

___“I’ve honestly never looked at it that way. It always seems like there is Supergirl’s way of handling things and the government’s way of handling things, and the rest of us decides which way they like better. But I hear what you’re saying. And now there’s also _my _way of handling things.”___ _ _

___“And I’m not saying that it’s wrong. I’m not saying it’s not an option. Just…let me think about it?”_ _ _

___“Yes, of course. Thank you, for being rational about it.”_ _ _

___Alex snorts. “Yeah, somehow that even surprises _me _. Anyway. On to the last one?”___ _ _

___Lena’s been dreading this one the most, but she knows it has to be done. “Supergirl. I have evidence.”_ _ _

___“Like- hard evidence?”_ _ _

___“No”, Lena allows. “Facts. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, but at the same time I’ve been trying not to think about it. How convenient it all is. How _obvious _, sometimes, that Kara is not human. I didn’t want to know, because I didn’t want to deal with the consequences of my best friend lying to me like that. Of Kara, who I love, and Supergirl, who I have rocky relationship with at best, being the same person. And I know, sadly, why she wouldn’t tell me. I know why _you _wouldn’t tell me. I’m just hoping that, knowing that I know, you wouldn’t keep lying to me.”_____ _ _

___“I’m not. I haven’t been lying to you. And I’m not now.”_ _ _

___“I know I’m right.”_ _ _

___“And I know you’re not.” Alex shakes her head, looking at Lena imploringly. “There’s no way I wouldn’t know if my sister was Supergirl. I know her better than anyone, and I work with Supergirl all the time. Kara’s not an alien, and she’s not Supergirl. I promise that if she was, I would admit it to you. You’ve put a lot of trust in me tonight. I promise, I’m not lying.”_ _ _

___Alex looks positively sick, and Lena knows, knows that she is right, that Kars is not (just) who she says she is, but she also knows that she can trust Alex. She has to trust Alex, because if she can’t do that, where does that even leave her?_ _ _

___But Alex thought that she had to protect Kara from Lena._ _ _

___And keeping secrets is part of Alex’s job description._ _ _

___And Alex would do _anything _to protect her sister.___ _ _

___But maybe what she wouldn’t do is lie to Lena._ _ _

___“So I shouldn’t talk to Kara tomorrow?”_ _ _

___“You can”, Alex shrugs. “She’d probably get a kick out of it. Probably find it funnier than me, too.”_ _ _

___“Okay.”_ _ _

___“Okay? Okay you’re going to talk to her, or okay you believe me and we’re fine?”_ _ _

___“We’re fine, Alex”, Lena says, a small smile on her face. “I trust you.”_ _ _

___“Thank you. I’m honoured that you felt safe enough with me to- or, I mean, comfortable, not safe, because that’s-”_ _ _

___“Safe”, Lena repeats, firmly. “Definitely safe.”_ _ _

___“Thank you. Again. I guess, I just don’t understand why.”_ _ _

___“Why?”_ _ _

___“Why tell me all of this? Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you did. And in no way do I want to discourage you from talking to me. About anything. I’m just surprised.”_ _ _

___“I-”_ _ _

___“In a good way.”_ _ _

___“Understood, Alex.” Lena can’t help but smile. Alex is so fucking _endearing _.___ _ _

___“So, can you tell me? Why you decided to bare your soul to me?”_ _ _

___“This ties into the reason I broke up with James.”_ _ _

___“Yes?”_ _ _

___“Are you really going to make me say it?”_ _ _

___“Uh, no? Sorry. I’m not being obtuse on purpose. I just really don’t know?”_ _ _

___“It’s because I like you.”_ _ _

___“Okay, but you like a lot of people. Or, not a lot, really. But there’s Kara, and Eve and Sam, and Brainy, and-”_ _ _

___“Alex.”_ _ _

___It’s just her name, just that, but even if Alex is being pathetically clueless right now, she’s still in tune enough with the cadence of Lena’s voice to stop short. This time, it takes a bit longer than nine seconds of silence – and if she wasn’t so on edge, Lena would feel amusement in the fact that her admission of liking Alex shocks the agent more than the break-up of a relationship, human drug trials, and the suspicion of her sister being an alien._ _ _

___“Oh.”_ _ _

___“Yes. Oh. Look, I don’t expect you to say anything, and I certainly didn’t go into this thinking you would reciprocate my feelings. I’ve always found you fascinating. I‘ve liked you for a while, and that only grew the more time we spent together. But I never said anything because one, you were otherwise engaged – literally, for a while – and two, we make no sense at all on paper. Looking at it logically, us being in a relationship would probably end catastrophically.”_ _ _

___“You’re right”, Alex agrees, and Lena feels herself deflate. It’s not she really held out any hope for Alex having feelings for her, and even she did, she was honest when she said that it probably wouldn’t work out. But to have Alex confirm all this still hurts. It actually hurts more than breaking up with James did, and that alone says a lot about how much of her heart is really in this._ _ _

___“I mean, we both have a lot of defence mechanisms”, Alex continues. “We both regularly go back and forth between extreme self-confidence and a deep feeling of insecurity. We have a lot of walls. We retreat and lash out when we feel threatened. And with the ways we grew up and the things we have seen and done, we should both go to therapy. And I don’t mean couple’s therapy.”_ _ _

___Lena knows all this, but here’s where lashing out comes into play: “Do we have any positive things in common as well, or are you determined to make us both out as broken, unlovable loners?”_ _ _

___Alex throws her a pointed look. “We are both sarcastic to hide our true emotions.”_ _ _

___“Very mature”, Lena grumbles._ _ _

___“Oh, yes. We are. We’re also passionate people. We are dedicated, smart, and competent. We’re loyal and dependable. But, Lena…you and James are very different, and that’s what you said broke you up in the end, but you and I are very similar, and is that really any better? Are we too similar for a relationship to work? And I don’t even know if you want kids. I broke up with who I thought was the love of my life for that.”_ _ _

___“Why are you even trying to argue this rationally? You could just say that you’re not interested, that you don’t have any feelings for me, and spare us the character analysis.”_ _ _

___“But not even ten minutes ago I promised not to lie to you.”_ _ _

___Oh._ _ _

___What?_ _ _

___“So, what you are saying is…”_ _ _

___“That I do have feelings for you. That, honestly, I can’t believe _you _would like _me _. I mean, I told you, right? Amazing, impressive, pretty?”_____ _ _

___“Insecurity, walls, therapy”, Lena counters._ _ _

___“I _like _you. A lot. And, I don’t know, I think that if we want this, even knowing all of the reasons why it’s a bad idea, don’t we owe it to ourselves and each other to try?”___ _ _

___Lena has a lot of arguments about why it’s, in fact, a bad idea to try._ _ _

___She wants to list all of them, and then ask Alex if she wants to change her mind._ _ _

___And beg Alex not to change her mind._ _ _

___And then say whatever she needs to say to make sure they both leave tonight without any doubts or misgivings._ _ _

___But there’s already been a lot of talking tonight._ _ _

___And so Lena’s answer to Alex’s question is a kiss._ _ _

___~~_ _ _

___“There’s something wrong with me.” Alex declares this while she rushes into Kara’s apartment early in the morning, so she doesn’t fault her sister for blinking at her and looking kind of overwhelmed instead of hurrying to help her, like she usually would. “There’s something seriously wrong with my – I don’t know, my memories? My mind?”_ _ _

___Kara actually looks panicked at that, which is not what Alex wanted. At all. J’onn scanned her mind and said she was fine, and he would never lie to her. So there’s nothing that warrants panic, because there can’t be anything seriously wrong with her._ _ _

___Alex helps herself to the coffee her sister just placed on the kitchen counter and Kara joins her, clutching her hands and looking at her so earnestly that Alex knows, just knows, everything will be okay._ _ _

___“What’s wrong?”_ _ _

___“I just have these headaches. And sometimes, like when I forgot your favourite movie – which I still don’t remember, by the way – I just get this feeling that there’s something…wrong. And then the headache gets worse. I mean, last week I talked to Lena about how I used to think I had to protect you from her and she asked me why, and I didn’t know. Aside from her family, I mean, I _know _that there was a reason. It’s like, it was as clear to me as day, but when I had to think about it, it was suddenly gone. And this happens a lot, Kara.”___ _ _

___“You talked to Lena about protecting me?”_ _ _

___“Focus, Kara.”_ _ _

___“I am focused. Is there a pattern? To when you get you headaches?”_ _ _

___“No. I don’t know. Maybe? They’ve become almost constant, to be honest. Just, sometimes they get worse. Like yesterday, I-”_ _ _

___“What happened yesterday?”_ _ _

___“Uh, so. You might want to sit down for this.”_ _ _

___“What?” Kara’s in her space in an instant, hands methodically patting down her body for any injuries._ _ _

___“Not like that. Calm down, sis. I was with Lena, and…”_ _ _

___“And?”_ _ _

___“We kissed.”_ _ _

___“Wow- that’s…” Whatever Kara was going to say about that, she visibly shakes it off and stays on the original topic. “And then your headache got worse?”_ _ _

___Alex thinks about it. No, that’s not what happened. “Actually, it got worse when she said she thought you were Supergirl.”_ _ _

___“ _What _?”___ _ _

___“I know, right?”, Alex chuckles. “I told her you would get a kick out of it. But that’s when it got worse. I felt really sick.”_ _ _

___Kara laughs nervously, and then she sprouts off some generic reassurances and every time Alex tries to bring back the topic to her headaches and her mind – or to Lena, for that matter – Kara tries to distract her._ _ _

___It’s not that Kara doesn’t care, Alex knows that._ _ _

___Kara’s here for her, and she tries to comfort her._ _ _

___But something’s wrong, and no matter how much Kara reassures her, she leaves her sister feeling worse than she did before._ _ _

___And as she gets home, her headache feels like it’s almost splitting her head in two. She doesn’t think it can get any worse._ _ _

___She’s proven wrong only hours later._ _ _

___Because that afternoon, there’s a knock on her apartment door three times in the span of only a few minutes. The first one is Kara, apologetic and distraught, rambling about not being able to take this anymore, whatever _this _is. Before Alex can figure that out, the second knock on her door reveals J’onn on the other side, visibly upset, his eyes zeroing in on Kara. The two start talking over each other, and before Alex can figure _that _out, her third visitor of the night knocks on her door and Alex breathes a relieved sigh when she pulls the door open a little more forcefully than is strictly necessary and finds Lena in front of her._____ _ _

___“Uh-hi!”, Lena squeaks when Alex tackles her into a hug in lieu of a greeting._ _ _

___“Make them stop”, Alex groans. “They just showed up and started talking, and I have a headache.”_ _ _

___Lena smiles indulgently, loving the way Alex is already treating this relationship as something completely normal. She expected an awkward phase where they navigated the changes of a friendship turned romantic relationship, but so far it’s just blissfully comfortable and familiar, as if they’ve been doing this forever._ _ _

___Lena puts as much authority in her voice as she can muster up with Alex in her arms. “Would anybody like to tell Alex why you’ve taken over her apartment?”_ _ _

___For a moment, no one speaks, and Lena notices Kara’s eyes darting around the room, taking in their positions. Lena and Alex next to each other, and across from them, J’onn and Kara, next to each other. It’s a depiction of the emotional state Lena has been noticing for weeks now, and of what Alex had tried to explain the night she confessed her relationships felt wrong. Lena and Alex may be closer than ever, but Alex has lost some part of her connection to Kara and J’onn. Those things might not be related, but they could very well be._ _ _

___“Kara, don’t.”_ _ _

___It’s J’onn who says it, his voice hard._ _ _

___“I have to”, Kara implores. “I can’t take this anymore. And it’s _hurting _her.”___ _ _

___“The reason we did this still exists, and you don’t even know how-”_ _ _

___But Kara ignores him, spins around to lock her eyes on Alex and Lena, and says: “I’m Supergirl.”_ _ _

___The first one to say anything to that is Lena. “You lied to me.” It’s not directed at Kara, but rather at Alex, because they both might have lied to her, but Alex was the one who lied to her after she asked her about it directly. Even if it wasn’t Alex’s secret to tell, Lena asked, and Alex promised. “Did your sister give you some of her super speed?”, she asks scathingly. “Because this is the shortest relationship and quickest break-up I’ve ever had.”_ _ _

___And that’s when Alex’s body finally decides to take her out of her misery, and the last thing she sees before she faints is her sister’s concerned face suddenly in front of her._ _ _

___Super speed, indeed._ _ _

___~~_ _ _

___Alex wakes up on her bed, Kara next to her. In an effort to give the sisters at least the illusion of privacy – a mostly futile endeavour in an open plan apartment – Lena and J’onn have retreated to the space in the apartment farthest from them, which turns out to be Alex’s couch. The only other option would have been the bathroom, which has a door at least, but Lena’s not going to confine herself in a small space with a Martian who is less than happy with her knowing a secret he was quite obviously extremely intent on keeping. If he’s surprised that she didn’t storm from the apartment, he didn’t show it. But she’s not going to leave until she has some more answers, and he probably wouldn’t let her, anyway. She’s a liability at least, a danger at most._ _ _

___“There you are”, Kara sighs, as soon as Alex opens her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Alex. I never meant for this to happen.”_ _ _

___“For what to happen?”, Alex asks. “Because I honestly don’t know how we even got to where we are. Is this a joke? It has to be a joke, right? You’re not Supergirl.”_ _ _

___Lena, who wasn’t even pretending not listen, perks up at that. Her head snaps up so fast J’onn almost worries about whiplash._ _ _

___“Alex. I am. I know it’s confusing-”_ _ _

___“It’s not confusing. It’s impossible! I just told Lena the other night- I promised her! This is ridiculous. How could I not know that my own sister is Supergirl?”_ _ _

___“You did know. You’ve always known, Alex, and you’ve protected me and my secret. Everything you’ve ever done in your life, was to keep me safe and happy. You’ve sacrificed so much. Even your memories.”_ _ _

___There’s a gasp, two gasps, only milliseconds apart from each other. One from the bed, where Alex has recoiled from her sister’s soothing hands, her face contorted in shock and betrayal. One from the couch where Lena’s face is set in a furious frown and her hands are white from the pressure with which she has clenched them._ _ _

___“Alex, I’m-”_ _ _

___“Don’t apologize”, Alex interrupts. “ _Explain _.”___ _ _

___And so Kara does. She explains about Colonel Hayley, about the truth seeker, about the mind-wipe. Explains how she and J’onn noticed the changes in Alex, having taken from her so many formative memories. The headaches, a side effect that none of the others are experiencing, probably because they haven’t had their whole _life _altered. And finally, how Kara told J’onn that she was going to put an end to this, that she was going to tell Alex about her identity and try to find a way to bring the memories back before there was any permanent damage.___ _ _

___Throughout the whole explanation, Alex relaxes gradually, even taking her sister’s hand when she gets emotional talking about having lost part of her connection to Alex. J’onn notices that Lena does not relax at all, but rather gets tenser the more times passes._ _ _

___“Now that I… _know _, we still have a problem with the truth seeker, don’t we?”___ _ _

___“Colonel Hayley has finished interrogating all personnel. The truth seeker has been removed from the premises.”_ _ _

___“Then why did we not just do this temporarily? Block my memories instead of wiping them?”_ _ _

___“You said it was too dangerous. You said you were bound to slip up with phone calls or messages or just the fact that you love me.”_ _ _

___“Yeah”, Alex breathes. “I can see that.” And she can. It’s very difficult for her to relate to the decisions she made when protecting her sister meant protecting Supergirl, but now that she knows who her sister is, she knows she would make the same decision again. J’onn seems to sense her thoughts, or maybe just read them._ _ _

___“We can’t mind-wipe you again, Alex”, he says._ _ _

___“What?”, Lena exclaims. “Why would you? Hasn’t she gone through eno-”_ _ _

___“We _can’t _”, J’onn stresses, “because we’d just risk making the unforeseen physical side effects worse.”___ _ _

___“Then why would you even put that thought out there?”_ _ _

___“Because Alex was considering it.”_ _ _

___Alex is not in the right headspace to decipher the look Lena shoots her at that, and even if she could:_ _ _

___That conversation has to wait._ _ _

___“You told me I was fine. I told you I was feeling strange. Out of sorts. You scanned me and you said I was fine.”_ _ _

___J’onn looks adequately guilty and conflicted, though Lena doesn’t take as much satisfaction from that as she thought she would. “I’m sorry, Alex.”_ _ _

___“You lied to me. And I know, I know it was necessary. I had to have known that going in. But I just…”_ _ _

___“Feel betrayed”, Kara supplies._ _ _

___“Yes. But what’s much more important is, what are we going to do now?”_ _ _

___“You should rest. Take a couple of sick days. We’ll have to come up with a plan, figure out how to get your memories back and keep the truth from Hayley.”_ _ _

___“A better plan than your last one”, Lena throws in._ _ _

___“A better plan”, J’onn agrees._ _ _

___“Do you want me to stay?”, Kara asks hopefully. “Sister night?”_ _ _

___“Not tonight, Kara. Can you just, leave me alone for a bit? Both of you?”_ _ _

___It’s clear who she means with that, and though they seem very reluctant, they prepare to leave. Kara hugs Alex, and J’onn kisses her forehard. “I love both of you”, Alex assures them. “I just need some time, ok?”_ _ _

___Lena walks them to the door, nodding at J’onn, who nods back, squeezes Kara’s arm, and walks away. That leaves her alone with Kara, or as alone as she can be with Alex twenty feet away. “You wouldn’t have told me, would you? If the situation hadn’t played out as it did tonight, you wouldn’t have told me.”_ _ _

___“You’re right”, Kara admits. “Not because I don’t love or trust you. You’re my best friend, and it was not easy keeping it from you. But I have my reasons and I would like to explain them to you, if you let me.”_ _ _

___“I’ve seen now the lengths you and your family will go to keep your secret. I can respect that. It hurts, but I- I’ll keep an open mind when you explain.”_ _ _

___“Thank you. And thank you for being here for Alex.”_ _ _

___“I had considered asking if you’re okay with this, us. For your blessing, so to speak. But to be honest, after today, after seeing how much Alex is hurting because of your superhero identity…I couldn’t give a damn about your blessing. I love you, Kara, but when we have that talk about your secret, we’re also going to talk about how it effects everyone else.”_ _ _

___“I know. And I’m grateful that you’re in Alex’s corner. You might not need me to be happy for you guys, but I honestly am.”_ _ _

___They don’t hug, Kara thankfully sensing that Lena isn’t there yet. After she has closed the door behind her best friends, she turns around to walk over her…girlfriend? Was that the right term? And even if it was before, Lena had basically broken up with Alex, hadn’t she? But she didn’t _want _to break up with her, she just-___ _ _

___“I didn’t lie to you”, is the first thing out of Alex’s mouth as soon as Lena reaches the bed. “I mean, apparently I’ve been lying to you since we met, but when you asked me about it, I didn’t lie. I didn’t _know _.”___ _ _

___“That’s hardly the most important thing right now”, Lena tries to dismiss it._ _ _

___Alex frowns. “It was the last thing you said to me, so I figured it’s the first thing I should address. And regardless, it’s pretty damn important to me. You trusted me, and I want you to know that trust wasn’t misplaced.”_ _ _

___“I do know that. Neither of us knows how that conversation would have played out if you hadn’t had your memories wiped, but I like to think that you still wouldn’t have lied to me.”_ _ _

___“Yeah, there are a lot of things I’m questioning right now because I figure my memories are lacking somewhat.”_ _ _

___“Like us?”_ _ _

___“What? I was talking about growing up with an alien for a sister, Lena.”_ _ _

___Lena sits down on the bed, careful not to touch Alex._ _ _

___“I’m sure you must be. Questioning us, I mean. I’m very sorry about what I said, about breaking up. You said yourself that I have a lot of defence mechanisms, and I just felt so betrayed in that moment. But I shouldn’t have doubted you. And I want to tell you that it’s fine. You have a lot on your plate right now, trying to gently let me down should not be your concern right now. I understand, Alex, and I’m not mad.”_ _ _

___“You’ve officially lost me. Gently let you down?”_ _ _

___“You said it yourself. Liking me feels wrong.”_ _ _

___“That’s not what I said. Or if I did, it’s not what I meant, and you know that.”_ _ _

___“You said that you felt you had to protect Kara from me, and couldn’t pinpoint why. Now you have your answer.”_ _ _

___“That was then!”_ _ _

___“And this is now. This is you knowing who your sister is, and me knowing who she is. This is you knowing that I’m experimenting with a drug that’s supposed to make humans as strong as her, while being able to create an element that would make her as weak as a human. You don’t have to be confused anymore, Alex. You can have your normal life back.”_ _ _

___“Why can’t I have my normal life _and _you?”___ _ _

___“Because I liked you before your mind was wiped, and you didn’t.”_ _ _

___“You don’t know that.”_ _ _

___“Oh, but I do. When I confessed to you my suspicions, I had the thought that you would do anything to protect your sister, but maybe that wouldn’t include lying to my face. Now I know that yes, you really would do anything for your sister, even going so far as having your mind wiped and even after experiencing the devastating effects, you considered doing it again. _That’s _who you are. Loyal, and brave, and selfless to the point of stupidity. And who you are has never had any interest in me. Even if you had, you would never have let anything come from it, because I am a Luthor and your sister is a Super, and we both know you wouldn’t take that risk.”___ _ _

___And Alex remembers, the thought of _oh, but why wouldn’t we be friends _. How sudden it felt. How confused she’s been for the last few weeks. How so many things felt so wrong.___ _ _

___But she also knows that her feelings for Lena aren’t confusing or wrong._ _ _

___“We talked about this, us-”, she tries._ _ _

___“And we agreed that we don’t make any sense on paper.”_ _ _

___“We also agreed that we both want this.”_ _ _

___“And I just told you, you only wanted it because you didn’t have all the facts. Now that you have them-”_ _ _

___“Nothing’s changed, Lena.”_ _ _

___“Of course it has! Or if it hasn’t already, it will! You will get your memories back. Right now, knowing all those things might not be a big deal, but that’s because you only have information, not _feelings _. When you get your memories back, you’ll remember. You’ll remember all the feelings you had before. And you’ll stop feeling things for me.”___ _ _

___“That’s not true”, Alex says slowly, deliberately, gently wiping tears from Lena’s face she didn’t even notice she was crying._ _ _

___Alex is infuriating. Alex is not giving up. No one has ever fought for her like this before and Lena so badly wants to give in. But she’s scared, and she doesn’t know how to take what Alex is offering._ _ _

___“It is. You’ve been different to Kara and Supergirl since the mind-wipe. And to me.”_ _ _

___“I know myself. It took me a long time to get to where I am. But when I realized I was gay and came out, I was so frustrated with myself for not recognizing it sooner. And I vowed to myself to change that. To listen to myself, my feelings and desires. That’s part of why I couldn’t let go of my wish to be a mother. Maggie helped with that, a lot. She taught me how to put myself first, and then she paid the price for it. The thing is, this whole time since the mind-wipe, I noticed that something’s different. I couldn’t figure out what it was, but I knew it was there, even after J’onn told me I was fine. Yes, I was confused, and yes, I said it felt wrong and I’m sorry that I used that word because obviously it’s eating at you. But I still know myself. Who I am, and what I want. And you’re probably right that I acted differently with you guys because so much that made up my life has been erased. But that doesn’t mean that I would suddenly fall for someone I’d otherwise have no feelings for. The mind-wipe didn’t change my feelings, it just made me more open to them. To you. And if I really question my feelings for you when I get my memories back, I’ll just remind myself of everything we’ve shared over the past weeks, and I’ll know. I’ll _know _, okay? That I want this, you, _us _. I promise. And as you know, I don’t break my promises.”_____ _ _

___It would probably take someone stronger, or more cold-hearted, to turn Alex away after this. They’re both crying now, vulnerable and raw, and all Lena can do is pull Alex into a kiss that hopefully expresses everything she can’t say in this moment._ _ _

___How grateful she is for Alex._ _ _

___“I’m not giving up on you. Please don’t give up on me.”_ _ _

___How scared she still is, but happy at the same time._ _ _

___And how she knows the road ahead of them will be stony, but worth it._ _ _

___“I won’t”, Lena vows. “I promise, too.”_ _ _

___“We’re going to be okay”, Alex whispers into her neck._ _ _

___“I know”, Lena whispers back. “Together, we’re going to be just fine.”_ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> I think there's a lot more that could be explored, but this is the part of the story I wanted to tell. Do you think you would be interested in more of it?


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